Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
