My liver just broke up with me...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
