So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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