Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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