All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Randomize
