if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
