So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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