im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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