just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
