hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
