I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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