Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Randomize
