Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
