Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
