Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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