Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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