Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She's the barista slut.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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