either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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