I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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