I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
