How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
