Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
