Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
