Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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