On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
