On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize