He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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