Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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