I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
