The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
