I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm gonna fight the coyote
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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