I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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