She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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