Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize