the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
