Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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