Your face is a jimmy john
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
