I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
