i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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