I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
