She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
