i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
