hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
