He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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