OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize