I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
