first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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