I skipped work to stalk him.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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