I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
