I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
