Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
