Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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