The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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