hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
