I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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