we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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