apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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