Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
