At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
