Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
